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Post by meldrumjambo on Jan 14, 2016 13:43:12 GMT
One morning I bought two six packs of beer at Agnews.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home. I stopped at the filling station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer.
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer have you got?"
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Post by drj1956 on Jan 14, 2016 14:35:55 GMT
Good one, only dated by mention of Victoria wine.
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Post by waynesbrain on Jan 15, 2016 18:45:50 GMT
Guy goes to his doctors complaing that his knob had turned fluorescent orange. The locum doctor was baffled, having never seen anything like it in his career. Eventually the doctor asked if there was a possibility it may be work related, suspecting the guy may be working with strong chemicals and there could be other related health issues.
"Impossible doc" replied the guy, "I've been on invalidity benefit for the last 10 years, all I do is watch porn and eat cheesey wotsits all day"
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Post by belgiantart on Jan 16, 2016 9:13:08 GMT
WB - that almost brought my breakfast back up
BT
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Post by belgiantart on Jan 19, 2016 15:14:52 GMT
A REAL POSITIVE ATTITUDE
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and an absolutely stunning, gorgeous and incredibly sexy nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot but a Marine, she spoke to him softly, slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, my friend, is a REAL POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
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Post by Dedrokstar on Jan 20, 2016 11:11:46 GMT
Just found out that the French never eat 2 eggs at a time.
One egg is always un ouef.
Ah'll get me manteaux.
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Post by belgiantart on Jan 21, 2016 7:36:45 GMT
Plagiarised but still works
In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Hibs have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes. That way they'll have something to lift in May
BT
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Post by belgiantart on Feb 1, 2016 8:26:25 GMT
Course is waterlogged and closed. Nothing to look forward to other than Bargain Hunt.
Guy 1 - I went for my routine check-up today.
Guy 2 - Everything go ok?
Guy 1 - Everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my jacksie!
Guy 2 - Well that's normal
Guy 1 - So you don't think I should change my dentist then?
BT
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Post by meldrumjambo on Feb 2, 2016 9:45:43 GMT
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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Post by meldrumjambo on Feb 8, 2016 8:17:08 GMT
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the door to the confessional, the man said "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors.. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Post by meldrumjambo on Feb 9, 2016 7:54:09 GMT
British humour as it used to be: Absolutely politically incorrect. ...................................................................... It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque... They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. ============================================ During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there". ============================================= Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now. ============================================= I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low. ============================================= I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" ============================================= An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah." To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
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Post by belgiantart on Feb 9, 2016 10:23:46 GMT
A man walks into a bar and as he approaches the barman he notices on top of the bar in the corner, there is a tiny man in black tie and tails playing honky-tonk on an equally small piano.
The guy asks the barman what gives with the little man playing the piano.
The barman explains that the previous night an old woman came in and said that she had no money but asked if he could spare a drink. Seeing that she was obviously poor he not only gave her a drink but gave her something to eat as well. The old woman was very grateful and thanked him profusely. She told the barman that she was a fairy-godmother and for his kindness, could grant him one wish but one wish only.
The barman said he asked for a 12 inch penis but unfortunately the old woman's hearing wasn't too good.
BT
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Post by drj1956 on Feb 9, 2016 12:38:25 GMT
Thats got to be the worst yet. Love it
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Post by meldrumjambo on Mar 14, 2016 8:19:32 GMT
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?" “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.” "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison …"
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Post by belgiantart on Apr 10, 2016 8:39:14 GMT
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' And that's when the fight started.....
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