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Post by waynesbrain on Nov 28, 2014 1:13:43 GMT
Different site, same shite. We wanna hear all your funnies guys. Same rules as before........there are none. Just bring them along, good, bad or indifferent. Jokes, anecdotes and witty observations.
See told you it was the same shite.
I'll start you off.
Robbie Williams, Will Young and Kylie Minnogue attended a star studded music awards night in London and all 3 ended up mucking about in Hyde park afterwards.
Killie went to climb a fence but slipped and ended up with her head stuck between the railings. Robbie, ever the man to seize an opportunity immediately hoisted up her skirt and proceeded to get wired into her from behind.
After he had finished he turned to Will Young and said " go on son, fill yer boots"
Will replied "I would, but I don't think my head will fit through through those railings"
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Post by K19 on Nov 28, 2014 17:51:09 GMT
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Fucking useless. Apparently it's only for victims.
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Post by meldrumjambo on Dec 1, 2014 14:30:26 GMT
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."
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Post by ek on Dec 2, 2014 8:24:48 GMT
Love it Meldrum- another one of yer true storys
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Post by meldrumjambo on Dec 2, 2014 10:19:15 GMT
Absolutely EK - now here's some that you'll relate to....................
AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!" ____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in My hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________ OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her... For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________ SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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Post by ek on Dec 2, 2014 10:34:55 GMT
Briliant mate- have a boom- need to go and change my rubber pants now.
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Post by jamboingermany on Dec 2, 2014 11:06:59 GMT
Golfing Terminologies:
A Richard Hammond - straight down the middle like a rocket then veers off into the rough at the last minute
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't
A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water
A Gerry Adams - a provisional
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
A Bobby Sands - a bit thin
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A Blondie - a fair crack down the middle
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needed one more revolution
A Douglas Bader - nae legs
An Elton John - big bender that lips the rim
A Gynaecologists Assistant - just shaves the hole
An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another
Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
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Post by meldrumjambo on Dec 2, 2014 14:06:30 GMT
BLACK FRIDAY IN GLASGOW..........................
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Post by meldrumjambo on Jan 12, 2015 10:18:01 GMT
WALKING ON THE GRASS The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
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Post by ek on Jan 12, 2015 14:41:47 GMT
Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner- he lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthonys roommate is. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mothers thoughts, Anthony volunteered- " I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates" About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, " ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the silver sugar bowl, you dont suppose she took it"? Well, " well I doubt it but I'll email her just to be sure " So he sat down and wrote an e-mail- Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not"-- but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner "- your loving son, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a reply which read_ Dear son, I'm not saying that you " do" sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you " do not" sleep with her but the fact remains that------ " if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now"-- Your loving Mama
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Post by ek on Jan 27, 2015 15:09:51 GMT
50 GREYISH SHADES
Back and forth...back and forth, in and out...in and out- alittle to the right.....a little to the left- she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back She was getting near to the end.......!! He was in ecstacy... with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved.. forwards then backwards... forward then backward.. again and again !! Her heart was pounding now. Her face was flushed... She moaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder.. Finally... totally exhausted...she let out a piercing scream She shouted..
" Ok, OK you smug bastard, I can't parallel park, you do it "
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Post by waynesbrain on Feb 2, 2015 13:00:50 GMT
Just been reminded of a golden oldie.
A young native American indian boy is sitting with his mother outside their teepee one morning when he asks her, "Mum, who picks the names for all the children born into our tribe"?
His mother replies,"Well since your father is the chief of our tribe, he picks the names for everyone born into the tribe"
"And how does he do this"? asks the young boy.
His mother looks at the boy gently, as only a loving mother can and says "On the day after a new child is born, the very first thing your father sees when he leaves the teepee in the morning will be the child's name. See your little friend 'Mist in trees' over there? The very first thing your father saw the day after he was born was the mist in the trees, so that became his name. And little 'Angry Crow' over there? The morning after he was born, the first thing your father saw was an angry crow in the trees. Why do you ask these questions 'Two dogs fucking'"?
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Post by ek on Feb 11, 2015 8:55:52 GMT
All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs-- The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves--------- But the maniac stays.
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Post by jamboingermany on Feb 11, 2015 10:42:30 GMT
Q. Why are women like hurricanes?
A. Because when they first arrive they are wet and wild, but soon enough they leave and take your car and house with them.
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Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2015 20:20:29 GMT
Q. Why did the baker have brown hands?
A. He was kneading a shite.
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