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Post by waynesbrain on Feb 26, 2015 11:12:51 GMT
Came home from the pub 4 hours late last night. The wife was livid.
"Where the f*** have you been 'til this time?"
"I was playing poker with the lads in the pub"
"Poker in the pub is it? Well you can pack tour stuff and go, you don't live here anymore"
"So can you, this isn't our house anymore"
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Post by K19 on Mar 4, 2015 10:32:02 GMT
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy." The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
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Post by waynesbrain on Mar 5, 2015 13:48:54 GMT
Old Doug is lying in hospital on his death bed. He knows the end is near so asks for all his family to be assembled at his bedside, a video camera to record his dying wishes and 2 nurses as witnesses.
After everyone is in place, and the video camera is running, old Doug speaks.
"To my eldest son, Edward, i want you to take all the properties on Leith walk"
"To my lovely daughter, Mary, i want you to have the houses on Bonnington Rd"
"To my youngest, Frank, you can have the apartments in Powderhall"
"And finaly, to my lovely wife Agnes, you can have all the townhouses in Goldenacre"
As Doug draws his final breath and the video camera is switched off, one of the nurses leans over to old Agnes and says,
"We never realised your husband had so much property, he must have been a very successful businessman"
Agnes replies, "Successful businessman my arse, the wanker had a fuckin massive paper round"
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Post by waynesbrain on Mar 10, 2015 1:10:16 GMT
A woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant "Do you sell extra large condoms?", "Yes we do" replies the assistant "Would you like to buy some?", "No thanks, but do you mind if i wait until someone does?"
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Post by waynesbrain on Mar 10, 2015 12:35:41 GMT
Nell, Kayjay look away. Apologies in advance, some sexist stuff here.
Man:- Haven't i seen you somewhere before? Woman:- Yes, that's why i don't go there anymore. Man:- Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're a slut.
Man:- So what do you do for a living? Woman:- I impersonate females. Man:- That'll explain the moustache then.
Man:- Your place or mine? Woman:- Both, you go to your place, i'll go to mine. Man:- Fine, after i've done you in the back of my car, i couldn't give a shit where you go.
Man:- Is this seat free? Woman:- Yes, and so will this one be if you sit down. Man:- Yep, because you'll be on your knees.
Man:- How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman:- Un-fertilised. Man:- Fine, i'll cum on your back.
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Post by meldrumjambo on Mar 16, 2015 10:52:53 GMT
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face." So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl is back, walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy"...and to watch the 'spression on yo face.
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Post by heartofoak on Mar 18, 2015 16:36:53 GMT
Current Global Economics Explained
SOCIALISM
You have two cows
You give one to your neighbor
COMMUNISM
You have two cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have two cows
The State takes both and sells you some milk
BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows
You sell one and buy a bull
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows
You sell them and retire on the income
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax exemption for five cows
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows with an option on one more
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
You sell one, and force the other one to produce the milk of four cows
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has died
A FRENCH CORPORATION
Ah! You 'ave two cows
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are
You decide to have lunch
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you
You charge the owners for storing them
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows
You have 300 people milking them
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity
You arrest the journalist who reported the real situation
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
You worship them
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
Both have mad cow disease
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have a lot of cows
You tell them that you have none
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
Business seems pretty good
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows
The one on the left is looking quite attractive ...
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks
You eat both of them
The banks call to collect their milk but you can't deliver so you call the IMF
The IMF loans you two cows
You eat both of them
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk
You are out getting a haircut ...
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Post by meldrumjambo on Mar 24, 2015 13:48:41 GMT
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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Post by meldrumjambo on Mar 30, 2015 15:28:28 GMT
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on sundial at the local cream tory.
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Post by heartofoak on Mar 31, 2015 3:01:32 GMT
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on sundial at the local cream tory. I laughed so damned hard at this, nails it on the ehad.
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Post by K19 on Mar 31, 2015 19:51:25 GMT
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Post by waynesbrain on Mar 31, 2015 21:21:50 GMT
Hahaha. "See ye later Orville"
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Post by ek on Apr 4, 2015 11:36:16 GMT
Boom from Oz for that one Meldrum. Brilliant
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Post by meldrumjambo on Apr 28, 2015 12:42:15 GMT
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles… Were YOU advised to walk 500 more…?? You could be entitled to compensation…… Call the Pro Claimers NOW !!!
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Post by waynesbrain on Apr 28, 2015 12:58:02 GMT
500 miles? Most of their ilk wouldn't even walk 500 yards to the Echodome.
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