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Post by meldrumjambo on Apr 28, 2015 15:32:38 GMT
Hahaha. "See ye later Orville" You Psychic Wayne??? 4 weeks early with that news!
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Post by waynesbrain on Apr 29, 2015 8:17:04 GMT
I know. Bastard thing is i had a tenner on him at 500-1 to be the next "celeb" to be outed in "Savilllegate".
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Post by meldrumjambo on Apr 29, 2015 10:38:36 GMT
I know. Bastard thing is i had a tenner on him at 500-1 to be the next "celeb" to be outed in "Savilllegate". Na - he was deffo straight! Always had his hand up some bird's arse!
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Post by meldrumjambo on May 26, 2015 10:48:08 GMT
> The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. > > Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. > So they brought the cow over from Wales. > > It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. > > They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. > > They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. > > No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. > > The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, and tell him what was happening and ask his advice. > > "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." > > The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?". > > The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. > > "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?" > > The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales".
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Post by ek on May 26, 2015 15:20:14 GMT
Belter Meldrum, or in the case of the cow, not such a belter!
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Post by meldrumjambo on May 27, 2015 10:33:42 GMT
Belter Meldrum, or in the case of the cow, not such a belter! Maybe someone should belt 'er!!
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Post by baldbobby on Sept 16, 2015 22:07:45 GMT
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: "Don't miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a new poster for the same circus and the same sign: "Don’t miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well laddie" said the Scot "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be".
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Post by meldrumjambo on Sept 25, 2015 9:56:24 GMT
REFLECTIONS........................................
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ***** When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu ***** America is the only country where a significant proportion Of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon Landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same Box. ~ Italian proverb ***** The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to Test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither Would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ***** You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your Car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new Car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip ***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it Yourself. ~ Harrison Ford ***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a Tree. ~ Spike Milligan ***** Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven Broke. ~ Robin Hall ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and You're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 Million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the Others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W H Auden ***** In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on The furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz ***** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ***** I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be Fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are Electric. ~ Doug Hamwell ***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts ***** If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
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Post by waynesbrain on Nov 16, 2015 17:52:21 GMT
Not a joke as such. Paisley in bid to become European city of Kulcher in 2021...You couldn't make that shit up.
Tenna-male for Wayne, I've just pished myself laughing.
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Post by drj1956 on Dec 4, 2015 18:05:02 GMT
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow AND asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.
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Post by meldrumjambo on Dec 7, 2015 8:42:14 GMT
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
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Post by meldrumjambo on Dec 15, 2015 13:36:59 GMT
Some Dick blocked me in!!!
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Post by meldrumjambo on Dec 18, 2015 10:25:04 GMT
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some nice malt whiskies. Feeling a bit merry, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a bus home. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a bus before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's parked in my drive I don't know what to do with it.
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Post by drj1956 on Dec 18, 2015 10:59:47 GMT
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some nice malt whiskies. Feeling a bit merry, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a bus home. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a bus before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's parked in my drive I don't know what to do with it. class
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Post by meldrumjambo on Jan 7, 2016 8:45:00 GMT
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON.
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