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Post by K19 on Apr 25, 2016 8:49:06 GMT
There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
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Post by meldrumjambo on Aug 11, 2016 13:31:19 GMT
Golf Cart Accident Many years ago, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive a nd keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
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Post by ek on Aug 11, 2016 20:20:27 GMT
Sounds like a true story Meldrum !!!
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Post by meldrumjambo on Aug 12, 2016 7:22:35 GMT
Haha! I was thinking that as I posted it!
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Post by waynesbrain on Aug 25, 2016 11:51:47 GMT
Some of my friends reckon I lack ambition. See if ambition was an Olympic sport...
...that bronze medal would be in my pocket.
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Post by drj1956 on Aug 25, 2016 13:03:10 GMT
Guy goes to the doctor and says Doc I've got a problem with my hearing Doc says can you describe the symptoms Sure says the guy Homer we fat dude and Marge lady with blue hair.
My coat is on.
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Post by K19 on Sept 5, 2016 8:52:01 GMT
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
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Post by meldrumjambo on Sept 27, 2016 9:06:33 GMT
OVER 60 YET?
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen." I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches ...But, when you're over sixty, who cares?
***************************** I asked, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" I said, "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'..." Cost me a busted tooth ...But, when you're over sixty, who cares?
***************************** I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." Cost me a fat lip ... But, when you're over sixty, who cares?
***************************** I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really," she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try." After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the groin. But, when you're over sixty, who cares?
******************************************************* I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Hell, yes! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me another 6 stitches ... But, when you're over sixty, who cares?
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Post by ek on Sept 27, 2016 14:32:01 GMT
They also all sound like true stories Meldrum, no doubt at the Scottish malt whiskey society evenings !!!!!
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Post by meldrumjambo on Sept 28, 2016 10:39:27 GMT
Aye - well - you can come out with some pretty stupid things after a night on the bevvy - as I'm sure you know EK!!
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Post by Dedrokstar on Oct 28, 2016 12:14:01 GMT
Did everyone see that footage of the hyperactive spider? It's all over the web.
I'll get me coat, hat, cases, furniture.........
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Post by belgiantart on Dec 23, 2016 14:15:46 GMT
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
“Yes,” the young man replies, “I was a salesman back in Omaha.”
The interview goes well and the man gets the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. After the store is locked up, the boss comes down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” he asks.
“One,” the man replies.
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid replies, “$101,237.65.”
“$101,237.65?!” the boss repeats, flabbergasted. “What the heck did you sell?”
“Well, first, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” the boss asked.
The young man said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.'”
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Post by K19 on Dec 30, 2016 8:53:41 GMT
Super Bowl Tickets: A friend has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $1,700 for each ticket. He didn't realize when he bought them that the game was going to be on the same day as his wedding, so now he can't go. If you are interested and would like to go in his place, it's going to be at St Peter's Church in New York City, at 5 pm. Her name is Sally, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, attractive, good cook, and makes $90,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.
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Post by belgiantart on Jan 5, 2017 17:23:58 GMT
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'
BT
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Post by waynesbrain on Jan 5, 2017 19:02:12 GMT
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
"I'll have a pint of lager" says the first mathematician.
"I'll have half a pint of lager" says the second mathematician.
"I'll have a quarter of a pint of lager" says the third mathematician.
"I'll have an eighth of a pint" says the fourth.
Without consulting the remainder of the group the barman pours two pints of lager and declares "You guys need to learn your limits"
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