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Post by baldbobby on Jan 5, 2017 21:10:00 GMT
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. "I'll have a pint of lager" says the first mathematician. "I'll have half a pint of lager" says the second mathematician. "I'll have a quarter of a pint of lager" says the third mathematician. "I'll have an eighth of a pint" says the fourth. Without consulting the remainder of the group the barman pours two pints of lager and declares "You guys need to learn your limits" Were they 12 quid a pint wayne?
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Post by meldrumjambo on Jan 6, 2017 12:38:59 GMT
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Edinburgh, another is from Aberdeen, and the third is from Glasgow. All three go with an official to examine the fence. The Edinburgh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900, £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me." The Aberdeen contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. That's £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me." The Glasgow contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Glasgow contractor whispers back, "£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Aberdeen to fix the fence." "Done!" Replies the government official. And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
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Post by baldbobby on Jan 26, 2017 20:15:13 GMT
Husband and wife go into a club and there's a guy there doing all the breakdancing, body popping, spinning on his head - the whole 9 yards.
Wife says to husband, you know that guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down.
Husband replied "Looks like he's still celebrating!
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Post by baldbobby on Jan 26, 2017 23:31:17 GMT
The sexual Activity Of Senior Males
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that: North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
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Post by baldbobby on Jan 26, 2017 23:38:40 GMT
Trump meets LadyLiberty!
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Post by baldbobby on Jan 26, 2017 23:42:34 GMT
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Post by meldrumjambo on Feb 8, 2017 12:34:20 GMT
ONE FOR BALD BOBBY:
After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format: Q. What is a tax refund payment? A. It's money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ... * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in Canada by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to hockey games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos (These are the only "truly" Canadian businesses still operating)
Conclusion: Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.
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Post by baldbobby on Feb 22, 2017 16:56:08 GMT
Apologise for pic quality. Taken through the store front window of our local Dollar Store. Too much reflection.
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Post by heartofoak on Feb 24, 2017 0:01:50 GMT
Nice Bobby.
Which reminds me of the two very old brothers playing golf. Everytime one of them hits a reasonable drive neither of them can see the ball land because their eyesight is so bad. Eventually one says to the other "let's bring our older brother along he's got great eyesight even though he's ninety". Next day on the first tee, first brother whacks a good drive. He says to the ninety year old brother, "did you see where that went?"
Older brother replies "yes"
"So ok where did it land" he asks.
Eh replies the older brother, I can't remember.
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Post by ek on Feb 24, 2017 19:37:17 GMT
Nice Bobby. Which reminds me of the two very old brothers playing golf. Everytime one of them hits a reasonable drive neither of them can see the ball land because their eyesight is so bad. Eventually one says to the other "let's bring our older brother along he's got great eyesight even though he's ninety". Next day on the first tee, first brother whacks a good drive. He says to the ninety year old brother, "did you see where that went?" Older brother replies "yes" "So ok where did it land" he asks. Eh replies the older brother, I can't remember. Sounds like a round of golf with Bobby and Meldrum TBH.
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Post by meldrumjambo on Mar 6, 2017 11:46:08 GMT
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen
table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess and the
dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get
enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking
pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the fuck did
you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid
asshole!?"
"Because ... he's thinking of getting married..."
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Post by belgiantart on Apr 1, 2017 17:09:16 GMT
I took my grandson to the local supermarket and we got separated. Being a smart little kid, he approached one of the cashier ladies and said "I've lost my granda". "What's his name?" asked the lady. "granda", he replied. The lady smiled and said "What's he like", she asked. He thought for a while and said "Macallan whisky and ladies
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Post by belgiantart on Apr 1, 2017 17:10:58 GMT
shit thick fingers - "and ladies with big tits"
Nothing beats a joke that goes wrong.
BT
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Post by ek on Apr 2, 2017 21:26:47 GMT
shit thick fingers - "and ladies with big tits" Nothing beats a joke that goes wrong. BT Haha, tbh BT, the granda sounds like many on here.
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Post by baldbobby on Apr 2, 2017 21:53:10 GMT
Me furshoor!😜😜😜
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